Attending a Sex Party

Dos and Don'ts at a Sex Party 


I get tons of emails from guys asking me all kinds of questions about sex parties. Whether it's your first time, or you're an experienced sex party guest, please read these, especially my comments on "exclusive" sex parties.  I hope my comments are useful to you. Here are some of the most common questions I get.


I'm nervous about going. And what if I see someone I know?

This is the number one concern that I hear from guys. First off, I have never been to a sex party where I felt forced to do anything I didn't want to do. Nor have I ever felt I had to stay at a party I didn't like. Go and participate in the way you feel most comfortable, but abide by the hosts' rules. If you are not comfortable, just quietly leave. I've done it. You may indeed run into someone you know.  I know a LOT of people in this town, and I see my friends, co-workers, etc. at sex parties often. At first it weirded me out. At one of those 300-man Team Pig parties a few years ago, I saw a colleague of mine who I am really not attracted to in the least bit, and I had a choice: I could try to avoid him all night and end up having a bad time, or I could just get over it. So I walked up to him, said a big friendly "Hi!" then we chatted a bit, and I made it perfectly clear with my body language and eye contact that I was NOT interested in having sex with him. So I got that out of the way, and I ended up having a really fun time! This is how I handle it now when I see friends and acquaintances who would otherwise make me uncomfortable. Don't let your non-sex friends and acquaintances ruin your good time. And remember, they are there for the same reason you are!


Can I just go and watch?  Or can I just go and jack off?

At a larger sex party, especially a pool party or one where drinks/food are being served, yeah, you can probably just go and watch or just jerk off. But don't be a creeper. At very least, socialize and engage with others. Guys may touch you and come on to you sexually. You can of course resist, but note that if you don't handle it diplomatically, you may find yourself shunned. (Angel City Jacks is strictly jack-off only, and I know that straight, gay, bi, and questioning/curious guys go to this.) At smaller parties, it's usually not cool to just go to watch; you should participate. The pool parties tend to be more social than sexual anyway, and not all guys go naked at them.


Do I have to get naked?

Some hosts have a rule that all clothes come off at the door. Others don't have this rule, especially the pool parties and larger dance/sex parties. For smaller parties (house parties, hotel parties), you should get naked or at very least down to your underwear. The host or organizer will usually make this clear beforehand.


What if I don't have the hot body for a sex party?

Well, you have choices. Don't go to the party. Or go and feel good about your body and you'll likely have a good time. Or do something about your appearance, but do it first and foremost for your health. The larger sex parties, especially bear events, are very welcoming to guys of all body types, ages, and dick sizes. On the other hand, I've been to sex parties where everyone looks like a porn model. Which leads me to the next question...


What's with these "exclusive" parties?

Let's face it, like it or not, there are a few sex parties out there where you won't "make the cut."  It may happen to you. It has happened to me.  In fact, just recently, I emailed my pics to a sex party organizer in NYC which is where I'll be visiting in September. The host emailed me back and said I wasn't what they were looking for. And I think I'm a good-looking guy with a nice body and a nice big cock! I was pissed for about 15 minutes, then I moved on with my life. Sometimes, a party organizer asks for a picture of you to see if they want to invite you. Be prepared to be rejected. Be prepared to be invited! This past April, I went to one of the sex parties that I promote, one that was geared specifically towards young men. Though I am 6 years too old for the upper age limit that they advertised, they let me come because I promoted the event. Let me tell you, at 46, I was indeed the oldest guy there, and I did NOT fit in. A few guys wanted my big cock up their asses, but nobody would blow me, and I couldn't get anyone to fuck me. I was mostly ignored. It kind of hurt my feelings at first and I was miffed, but I wouldn't have known until tried this party. There were actually a couple other guys there who didn't "fit the bill" either and I could tell they were not having fun. So I just hopped in my car and I was at a huge sex party at the Sanctuary 30 minutes later (they were the same night), where I was in my element and had amazing sex the rest of the night. This was my crowd. The next weekend, I went to a bear pool pool party and I was the skinny guy with a big dick and I was very popular with handsome heavy-set bears (WOOF!), and I made several new friends, and not just sexually. This too is my crowd. Many years ago, I used to attend a monthly sex house party in Jacksonville, Florida, and the guys that came were all under 30 (I was 24) with hot bodies (I was a hottie back then LOL). The parties had usually 10-20 guys. One time, a young man showed up who did NOT look like this AOL chatroom photo and his presence immediately ruined the vibe of the party. It sounds horrible to say so, but it just did. The host discretely pulled him aside and very tactfully ask him to leave. To my surprise, the young man agreed and said, "yeah, I totally get it ... these guys are way out of my league." A couple months ago, I attended one of those exclusive parties from my site. You have to send them your pics and they will choose who they want. I got invited and went, but I realize that to feel better about myself, I'll either have to muscle up at the gym or just find other parties to go to. The hosts of that event were super nice guys, but they have the right to make their private event what they want. There are some events out there for black guys or Latino guys only. If you don't like that, then don't ask to attend their parties; there are DOZENS of other parties where you are welcome! There is also a super-exclusive muscle/bodybuilders' gay sex event that happens a couple times a year (the organizers do not want me to list them) and I certainly don't make THAT cut. I also got wind of a monthly all-male sex party for military men and you have to be active or former military to get in. (They never respond to my requests to list their events.) My advice to you, and to everyone, would be this: When sending "audition" pics for an invite (not all parties ask for your photo), send good RECENT pics of yourself that really show what you look like; this will avoid an uncomfortable situation at the door when you arrive. Also, in general, you should take care of your body, not just to get invited to an exclusive sex party (although that's a fair motivation), but just for your own health and well-being. Prepare for a "no" and accept it. But also prepare for a "yes."  And if you go, prepare to be with a lot of guys "out of your league," because that may happen. Happens to me! Or maybe you'll find yourself at a party that is perfectly "in your league." 

I'm not really gay, can I still go?

​Of course. This is why I say "all-male sex events" (and not "gay sex") in my website's banner. If you are straight, bisexual or questioning, you would certainly be welcome at any of these parties. Note, however, that guys might touch you and hit you up for sex. Play in a way that makes you comfortable. 


Are the guys all HIV negative/STD free? Is everyone using condoms?

This is the second-most asked question I get. The answer is of course no. At a sex party, you should assume that anyone is HIV positive, and anyone is HIV negative. Even if a party says "HIV neg only," you should not believe that for one second; aside from requiring everyone on-site be tested, which is not even practical, there's no way to ensure that all guests are neg. You should not stay at any sex party where you are being compelled to do anything you think is unsafe for you. Nearly all the sex parties I've been to (even designated bareback events) provide condoms. I will say that it's my observation in the past year that maybe 80% of the fucking I see at sex parties is bareback. Unthinkable ten years ago! With anti-retroviral drugs to make poz guys "undetectable," and PrEP, the drug that can prevent HIV infection in the first place, guys are barebacking a lot. If you are not on PrEP and you are HIV negative, don't look at all this barebacking and think, "Well, it must be safe these days" because it's not! Also, be aware that there is a huge uptick in syphillis infections in LA right now, plus there's a worldwide antibiotic-resistant strain of "super gonorrhea" that has been making news lately. Making news also is the HPV virus which can, in a small number of cases, cause cancer; this virus is extremely contagious, yet there is a vaccine for it. I urge you take take all the precautions that are right for you, and never feel obliged or compelled to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Please go to the "Your Health & Safety" tab on my site to learn more about HIV testing and treatment, other STDs and to learn about PrEP.


How do I host my own sex party?

Organizing a sex party is a HUGE amount of work. Trust me. Even a small party. A few things to consider: The hardest part is promoting it and answering endless emails and text messages about it. Plan on only 25-40% of your RSVPs to actually show up; the rest will flake. Pool parties are a huge hit. Hotel parties are easier to organize than house parties. Free alcohol is an attractor; so is food. Make sure your guests are all at least 18 (or 21 if there's alcohol). I would not for two seconds even consider having underage guys at a party of mine. Also, if you try too hard to make your first party only for "super hot" guys, you are more likely to fail. Charging admission for a new party that nobody knows about is likely to be a deterrent. The enormous parties like CumUnion, Team Pig, NastyKinkPigs, DenLA, and the big pool parties require teams of guys (many of them paid) and experienced leadership who plan way in advance and who bust their asses during the party to make sure you have fun. A successful sex party isn't necessarily a huge one, but it's one at which everyone has fun and feels comfortable. For the record, I only promote parties that are well-established, have good organization, and have a track record of success. The gangbangs I've promoted are by rare exception.


​I want to get gangbanged at a sex party. 

Don't count on this. At small sex parties, if you try to make the party all about you, the other guests may resent you. Now, if guys just happen to line up at your ass to take turns, great! But don't try too hard to make it the "you" show. At huge sex parties, like those held at Sanctuary, there are hundreds of men, and everyone's attention can be very divided because of the tremendous options for sex partners. Bottoms who go to those parties with the fantasy of 50 men fucking them for three hours non-stop are going to be disappointed, no matter how hot they are. 


Are there guys doing drugs at these parties?

Many of the parties I list happen to have a "no drugs/PNP" policy. "PNP" means "party and play," which usually means hard drugs like crystal meth. For those parties that don't say "no PNP," you should still assume that drugs probably won't be tolerated. I know many of the hosts will refuse entry to guys who are tweaking or high, and will quickly throw out anyone caught using drugs. To that end, I can honestly say that I seldom see guys under the influence of (or using) hard drugs at these parties. Maybe I'm blind, but I really don't. Many parties are pot/420 friendly and some are BYOB for alcohol or have an open bar. Poppers always seem to be welcome at any sex party.


Dos and Don'ts of Sex Parties

  • If the host asks you for a picture ahead of time, send a recent photo that really looks like you. That hot pic of you from 8 years ago is no longer what you look like!


  • Bathe and brush your teeth before going. 


  • If you plan to bottom, clean your ass out really well!


  • ​Engage and be friendly. It will get you laid more. But ...


  • Don't chit-chat and have long conversations in the play areas. Step out of the room for that.


  • If you are laying back in a sling and nobody has approached you for a few minutes, get out of the sling and let someone else have it. Besides, it makes you look desperate.


  • Do NOT act desperate, it will NOT get you laid. 


  • ​Do NOT stand to the side of a scene and give commands ("Yeah, fuck that ass!" "Grab his balls!") or give a play-by-play like a sports commentator. That is SO annoying!


  • Do NOT tell anyone else later who you saw at a sex party! Not cool. 


  • Do NOT get your phone out in the play areas at a sex party. That makes some guys really nervous. Go outside of the play areas for that.


  • No means no. If someone says no, brushes your hand away, or seriously avoids eye contact with you, he is NOT interested in you. Move on.


  • Be man enough to accept rejection and find someone else to play with.


  • Don't try to make the party all about you (unless it's your own gangbang party!)


  • Respect other guys' wishes about condoms and barebacking, and don't give anyone an attitude about it.


  • Play by the hosts' rules.


  • Leave if anything makes you feel uncomfortable.  Don't ask for a refund if you paid.